


Yeah, SHIELD's Got Forms For That

by fredesrojo



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adventures of somewhat reluctant SHIELD Avengers Liaison Maria Hill, Madness, Multi, SHIELD has a form for everything, Steve/Maria if you squint really hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-08 03:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fredesrojo/pseuds/fredesrojo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It should come as no surprise that Clint Barton has inspired more than one article of paperwork for SHIELD. Or, Maria Hill's Adventures as semi-reluctant SHIELD Avengers Liaison, wherein the Avengers create more paperwork than they complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cognitive Re-Calibration (How *do* you solve a problem like Maria?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria Hill hates paperwork. No, seriously, she does. The joys of "cognitive re-calibration" and its uses concerning the Avengers. Nick Fury may or may not have a slight fondness for Disney musicals.  
> ...It was all Clint's fault, really.

**CB-007**

Clint Barton stared at the form sitting on the table in front of him, eyebrows raised high. “Er. Hill?”

Maria didn’t look up from passing out the rest of the forms to the assembled team. “Yes, Barton?”

“What’s a CB-007? I’ve never seen this form before.”

Stark, sprawled indolently in his chair, raised his voice before she could speak. “Why do I have to fill out paperwork for SHIELD? I don’t work for you, Lieutenant Von Trapp.”

“This paperwork is considered particular to the Avengers only for the time being. It’s going to be added to your personality assessment profiles in case of future cognitive reclamation by enemy parties.”

They all blinked, staring at her. Steve squinted at his form and cleared his throat. “Um. Cognitive reclamation?”

Maria sighed. “Given recent events surrounding Loki’s attack on Earth, we decided that it would be prudent to take preventative measures to ensure that we won’t be taken by surprise again.” She tilted her head. “Long and short of it is, we need a way to identify whether our agents are actually ours, in case of brainwashing or mind altering drugs or possession by non-human entities.”

Clint blinked. “That is…oddly specific.”

Her mouth twisted. “It’s also unfortunately necessary. Last thing we need is an Avenger running amok. The psych teams figure this is an easy way to determine if people have been taken.”

“So we can’t be turned into personal flying monkeys.” Steve said, looking a little proud of himself for the reference.

Tony rolled his eyes. “More like, so they can tell that we’re _not_ some evil genius’ mindless minions.”

Maria nodded. “Exactly.”

Natasha glanced over the form. “So…it’s like a safe-word.”

“What’s a safe-word?” Steve glanced around, eyebrows raised.

Bruce winced. “Er…Don’t worry about it, Cap.”

Maria sighed. “Look. All we need is an identifying phrase that you can repeat to us to prove that you’re yourself.”

“And it can be anything?”

She fought the urge to hit her head on the table. “Within reason, Stark.”

* * *

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Barton, Clinton A.

In the event of cognitive reclamation ~~brainwashing by evil overlords intent on the destruction of Earth~~ , the above mentioned subject (SUBJECT NAME HERE) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

Signed,

Spec. Clinton A. Barton ***HAWKEYE***

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

Note—Specialist Barton’s original suggestion of “I don't want to get married, I want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset” was rejected on the grounds that Specialist Barton could not create an adequate falsetto voice and his continued attempts needled Agent Romanov into throwing four stilettos at his head.

Addendum by Subject: Subject requests that his direct supervisor and his supervisor’s immediate superior also fill out Form CB-007, as they are both high-value targets.

Additional addendum by SHIELD Director Nicholas J. Fury: Specialist Barton’s request has been taken under consideration, but seeing as it is a stupid-ass request, it will not be fulfilled.

 

 

 

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Rogers, Steven G.

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (Rogers, Steven G.) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“Kilroy was here.”

Signed,

Capt. Steven G. Rogers

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

 

 

 

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Stark, ~~Anthony~~ Tony E.

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (IRON MAN) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“Data, data, data. I cannot make bricks without clay.”

Signed,

TONY STARK, AKA IRON MAN

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

Note—If Ms. Potts is present, Mr. Stark has requested that the secondary phrase “You complete me” be used. Mr. Stark also provided codes to neutralize his flight suit (IRON MAN) in the event of “brainwashing or whatever science terms you choose to come up with”. Codes are included in separate Form TS-006.

 

 

 

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Romanov, Natasha

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (Romanov, Natasha) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

_Fallaces sunt rerum species._

Signed,

Natasha Romanov

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

Note from SHIELD Linguistics: Translation from Latin—“The appearances of things are deceptive.”

 

 

 

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Banner, Robert Bruce

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (Banner, Robert Bruce) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“Et tu, Bruce?”

Signed,

Bruce Banner, PhD Nuclear Physics

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

Note: Subject has stated that if he is “Hulked Out” while brainwashed, tranquilizers should be considered the best route of action.

Addendum by TONY STARK: Formal request that Big Green be given a CB-007 to fill out.

Addendum by SHIELD Director Nicholas J. Fury: The Hulk is _not_ to receive a CB-007. Dr. Banner’s directions on the subject are to be followed to the letter.

 

 

 

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Odinson, Thor

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (THOR, SON OF ODIN) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

IT IS HAMMER TIME

Signed,

THOR, SON OF ODIN

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

* * *

**_[Epilogue]_ **

“Hill. Agent.” A hand lightly tapped her cheek. “Lieutenant. I need you to wake up.”

Maria groaned, shying away from the hand. Her right wrist pulled up short, metal cuff digging into the skin. “Mm…what the…” She tensed, mentally cataloguing. Her handgun was gone, along with her boots (and the backup piece stashed therein), and her jacket top was missing. “Where...”

Fury loomed in her vision, brows furrowed over the eye and patch. “Eyes on me, Agent.”

“Why am I…” Maria growled under her breath, fighting against the cuffs.

“Director, maybe we should—,” Steve Rogers started forward, still dressed in the suit, cowl bunched down around his neck. “She’s not…”

 “Not a threat? I’ll be the one to decide that, Captain.” Fury loomed back into her line of sight. “Are you back with us, Hill?”

Banner appeared at her left, gentle fingers lifting her wrist. He quietly moved through the motions of checking her vitals, his hands nimble and careful.

“What the hell happened?”

Fury’s eye glittered strangely. “Hill, I need your code.”

“Sir?” Maria wracked her brain, thinking. “What code, sir?”

If it weren’t Fury, she could almost swear he was smiling. “Charlie Bravo Double Oh Seven.”

Around the room, all of the Avengers perked up. Maria swallowed. “Sir, I…”

“Your _code_ , Agent.”

Maria closed her eyes, slumping back against the pillows. She clenched her jaw, drew a deep breath, and started singing. “I am sixteen going on seventeen…”

* * *

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Admin N. Fury to SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill

Agent,

It has been brought to my attention that as liaison to the Avengers Initiative, you are of higher risk to certain situations.

Please fill out the attached CB-007 and return as soon as possible

-Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill to SHIELD Admin N. Fury

Sir,

…You cannot be serious.

-M. Hill

-#-

To: SHIELDdepdir@helicarrier.int

From: SHIELDadmin@hq.int

Agent. Do I _sound_ like I’m not serious?

-N. Fury, Director of SHIELD

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill to SHIELD Admin N. Fury

Apologies, sir. See attached.

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Hill, Maria K.

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (Hill, Maria K.) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“In a time of gods and monsters, what is the worth of a man?”

Signed,

Lt. Maria Hill, SHIELD Avengers Liaison

Supervisor Signature: 

 

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Admin N. Fury to SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill

Not good enough, Agent. Something unique. If you can’t fill it out yourself, I’ll make a decision for you.

-N. Fury

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill to SHIELD Admin N. Fury

Sir…

Unique _how_ , exactly? And how was that _not_ unique?

-M. Hill  

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Admin N. Fury to SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill

Read and sign the attached file, and make sure to familiarize yourself with your new trigger phrase.

-N. Fury

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Hill, Maria K.

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (Hill, Maria K.) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“I am sixteen going on seventeen…”

Signed,

 

Supervisor Signature: Col. Nicholas J. Fury, Director of SHIELD

 

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill to SHIELD Admin N. Fury

Mature, sir.

I’d like it on the record that I am signing this form under protest.

-M. Hill

**SHIELD Medical Form CB-007**

Subject: Hill, Maria K.

In the event of cognitive reclamation, the above mentioned subject (Hill, Maria K.) is to speak this phrase to prove that cognitive recalibration has been successful:

“I am sixteen going on seventeen…”

Signed,

Lt. Maria Hill, SHIELD Avengers Liaison

Supervisor Signature: Col. Nicholas J. Fury, Director of SHIELD

-#-

Interdepartmental Memo—SHIELD Admin N. Fury to SHIELD Avengers Liaison M. Hill

Protest noted and ignored, Agent.

-N. Fury


	2. Temporal Displacement (Avengers Tower is Not Necessarily Child Friendly)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Science Bros and SHIELD R&D get along a little too well for Maria and Fury's tastes. Steve has feels. Tony is generally adorable and infinitely easier to deal with. Fury has a *serious* headache.

 

**TS-ABC01**

Maria watched the unusual pair huddled over a table in the mess hall of SHIELD’s New York Headquarters, relaxing in the ever-so brief moment to observe a phenomenon few had the privilege to understand.

Two heads, one blonde, one brunette, bent studiously over a single sheet of paper in the middle of the table.

Small, clumsy fingers passed off a thick squared writing utensil for another, nudging the discarded pencil into the other’s much larger and more nimble hands.

After a brief moment of concentrated drawing, the exchange was performed again, with the new pencil tapping gently against the larger fingers until it was accepted.

Maria shifted her weight and started forward, a cloth wrapped bundle tucked securely under one arm. She scuffed her boot purposefully against the tile to draw their attention, clearing her throat gently.

Steve Rogers lifted his head, blue eyes lighting up as he saw her. His lips curved up in a genuine smile as he clambered off of the bench, leaving his small charge at the table with a gentle murmur. “Lieutenant.”

“Captain.” She watched the boy, dark head still bent over the drawing.

Rogers’ smile sobered somewhat. “Is it time?”

Maria inclined her head in a slight nod. “Doctor Banner believes they’ve got it all worked out, now.”

His shoulders heaved on a heavy sigh. “Guess we couldn’t expect him to stay like this forever.”

She raised a single eyebrow. “You would want to deal with Tony Stark in the middle of toddler-hood?”

He smiled, soft and gentle. “He…is it so bad, that I wanted him to have the chance for a normal childhood this time around?”

Maria watched as the three year-old worked diligently, tongue poking out of the side of his mouth in intense concentration. Her lips curved upwards in the faintest of smiles, a sad and haunted expression. “You can’t try to re-live what’s already happened.” She glanced over to meet his gaze, shrugging. “How long would it even last, before it wore off on its own? And he’d only resent you the more for it in the long run.”

Steve nodded stiffly, a faint glaze to his eyes as he watched Tony fondly, the smile more melancholy now. “You’re right.” He cleared his throat, blinking rapidly. “It’s better this way.”

She nodded once, silence as much of a response as any words would have been. Maria cleared her throat again, moving closer to the table. “Tony?”

Dark brown eyes met blue, framed by a cherubic little face crowned with unruly brown curls. Tony grinned widely, vaulting off of the bench without regard for his small form. Bare feet smacked into the floor in a wobbly landing. “’Ria!” He skidded to a stop five yards from the table, eyes brightening in remembrance. “Colors!” He turned and rocketed back, straining up on tiptoe to retrieve his drawing.

Maria fought back an unrestrained grin, allowing for a slightly more subtle smile as Tony held it out to her with a proud grin. “It’s very good, Tony.” She held up the bundle of clothes. “Can I trade with you? Drawing for this?”

Tony considered briefly, his head tilted in an achingly familiar mirror to his adult self. His eyes slid up and over to Steve, interest flaring in a mischievous sparkle. “No trade. ‘Teev up.” He reached up high, gesturing.

Steve bent obligingly, lifting him in a practiced motion up and over his head, settling the boy on his shoulders. Tony cackled gleefully and dropped the drawing on her head. “Trade!”

She sighed. “Thanks, Tony.”

Rogers stifled a grin, tilting his head slightly to look upwards towards Tony. “Hey, Tony, are you ready to go see Doctor Banner now?”

“Bruce!” Tony pointed imperiously at the door. “Go, ‘Teev!”

Maria snorted quietly as they walked along the halls. “He _would_ get that name right.”

-#-

“Is it strange that I’m kind of going to miss him?” Pepper Potts stood quietly by Maria’s side, watching as Bruce completed a few final adjustments on the device that would (hopefully) return Stark to his normal form. In the background, Tony’s wild giggles filled the air as Steve dutifully jogged him around the room to shouts of ‘more’.

Maria sighed. “He is infinitely more manageable in this form.”

She laughed. “I just…he’s a normal, happy, well-adjusted three year old boy. He’s still Tony, but he’s _happy_ , and he’s actually enjoying himself.”

“Steve said the same thing.” Maria ignored the twinge in her chest, continuing gently, “He’s…there’s no saying how long this will last, or what the final effects on Sta—Tony would be.” Her lips twitched in a sad smile. “It’s hard to say it, but…we can’t keep him as a child forever to fix what Howard did to him. There’s no magical Band-Aid to make this all better—and worse, when he did change back, he’d probably resent us all for it.”

Pepper sniffed, mouth curved in a wobbly smile. “You’re right, of course. He does need to change back.” She blinked rapidly, hiding the faint sheen of tears for a moment. “Besides, I’m not very keen on seeing what a toddler could do to the Iron Man armor.”

She laughed. “Oh God, no. Fury would…actually, I don’t even want to consider what Fury would do.” Maria winced, rubbing her forehead. “I can already see the paperwork.”

“SHIELD has _paperwork_ for this sort of thing?”

"We do  _now_."

-#-

Bruce carefully settled Tony onto the bench, crouching in front of him to look him in the eye. “Okay, Tony, I need you to stay very still for me. The machine’s going to make a lot of noise, but I need you to stay right here and don’t move. Okay?”

“Wait!” Tony pushed Bruce away, jumping back to the floor. He ran over, slamming into Steve’s leg with a grunt. Quietly, his voice rang out into the stunned silence. “Bye, ‘Teev.”

Steve swallowed, untangling Tony’s grip on his leg long enough to crouch down in front of the boy. He smiled, reaching out to muss the brown curls. “Bye, Tony.”

Tony growled and ducked away, little hands mashing his hair back into place. He ran back over to Bruce. “Okay. Reddy now.”

* * *

Maria looked up at the quiet rap against her office door. She blinked. “Mr. Stark. Can I help you?”

Stark shuffled in, fiddling a single sheet of paper between his hands. He cleared his throat noisily and waved it vaguely in midair. “Medical apparently needs this from me and I need SHIELD to take me off the no-fly list on the armor, so…” He coughed and dropped it onto her desk, head tilted. “Trade?”

She glanced down, eyes skimming over the official form and highlighted line at the bottom for her signature, under Stark’s messy scrawl. A pen and a few efficient lines of print at the bottom completed the form. Maria handed it back with a slight smile. “I think that’s all in order, then. Jarvis will be issued the correct code to return your access to the Iron Man armor.”

Tony nodded, smiling back, although the effort looked a little bruised. He stood awkwardly for a moment longer before turning to go. “Well, if that’s all. Agent.”

“Mr. Stark.”

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form TS-ABC01**

Subject: Stark, Anthony E.

This is to notify that the subject (Stark, Anthony E.) has successfully passed all benchmark tests to return to full duty after his experience with the temporal displacement reactor (See SHIELD Mission Report TD-001-A for full explanation of Temporal Displacement Reactor and all relevant articles).

Signed,

Dr. Lauren Parry, MD (SHIELD Specialist Clearance Level Eight)

**SUBJECT IS CLEARED FOR REGULAR AVENGERS DUTY FOLLOWING DEBRIEF WITH SUPERIOR OFFICER.**

Supervisor Signature: Lt. Maria Hill, Commander of Security, SHIELD Deputy Director

Notes- It is recommended that if such an event occurs again, Mr. Stark should be placed under the care of either Ms. Potts, Doctor Banner, or Captain Rogers until the situation is reversed.

* * *

**_[Epilogue]_ **

Nick Fury stared solidly at the young child hiding halfway behind Natasha Romanov’s body, familiar sweep of dark brown bangs and the blue glint of an eye peeking around the Russian’s hip. He sincerely hoped he wasn’t glaring as hard as he thought he was.

He closed his eye, rubbed his forehead furiously, and tried again. A low groan rumbled out of his throat at the continued presence of the little girl.

Her entire head peered around Romanov now, an infinitely wary look narrowing familiar blue eyes.

Nick pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eye again to regain the frayed strands of his temper. “Agent Romanov.”

“Sir.”

“Is that who I think it is?” He spoke around a pronounced wince.

“Unfortunately so, sir.” Natasha nudged her companion around, a gentle hand between thin shoulders. “Stark and Banner are working on it with Medical as we speak.”

He raised a hand, shaking his head. “I don’t want to know.” He looked back up as a thought occurred. “Why did you bring her _here_?”

On anyone else, the expression on the assassin’s face would have been called a smirk. “You did ask for Agent Hill’s condition, sir.” She placed a hand to her ear, head tilted. “Barton has one of the rogue scientists down on Level I, I’m going to go see what I can get out of him.” She was already backing smoothly to the door, pausing at the last second with raised eyebrows. “You’ve got this, right?”

Hill still stood in the middle of his office, small and suspicious and entirely too silent. Blue eyes darted between him and Romanov warily. “’Tasha?”

“Agent…”

The near smirk widened. “Maria, this is Nick. He’s going to stay with you for a bit.” She _winked_. “Don’t cause him any trouble. I’ll be back in an hour.”

The door slid shut before Fury could muster the drive to shout, mouth half-open in an aborted yell. Slowly, he sat back down.

Maria turned, watching him intently. “You growl a lot.” She tilted her head. “What happened to your eye?”

Nick Fury fought the overwhelming urge to bang his head against the desk repeatedly. He had a _bad_ feeling about this.

-#-

**SHIELD Medical Form TS-ABC01**

Subject: Hill, Maria K.

This is to notify that the subject (Hill, Maria K.) has successfully passed all benchmark tests to return to full duty after her experience with the temporal displacement reactor (See SHIELD Mission Report TD-002-M for full explanation of Temporal Displacement Reactor and all relevant articles).

Signed,

Dr. Lauren Parry, MD (SHIELD Specialist Clearance Level Eight)

**SUBJECT IS CLEARED FOR REGULAR DUTY FOLLOWING DEBRIEF WITH SUPERIOR OFFICER.**

Supervisor Signature: Col. Nicholas J. Fury, Director of SHIELD

Notes- It is recommended that if such an event occurs again, Agent Hill should be placed under the care of either Agent Romanov or Captain Rogers until the situation is reversed.


End file.
